Dandy and Dynamo do France, Spain 2009 and Croatia 2010

Our gite in France

Dandy and Dynamo’s ’09 trip

Saturday 25th July

It was the last day of our two week idyll in the Gite dans le Jardin near the River Lot in South West France. A session of frenzied packing up, cleaning of the gite and hoovering of the pool took place by all seven of us and we smugly agreed that it was cleaner than when we had arrived. Steve (the owner)was summoned and we bade a tearful farewell with man hugs all round etc.

Happy families!



We headed for Toulouse airport to deposit ma famille and bid them a fond farewell en route to Edinburgh, then took my brother to the Marriott hotel for his overnight stay before he flew back to Texas in the morning. Had a coffee with him then took some pictures of him doing acrobatics on the TDM on top of the trailer.


My mental brother


We were headed for a salubrious Etap hotel in Pau for an overnight stay before we ventured into Spain for our Bongo adventures. It took us twice as long to get there as we had planned for as Thomas (the sat nav) was being a stupid b*****d as usual and took us along every back road he could find. As 8pm came we were dangerously low on fuel and pulled into a Supermarche filling station but the booth was closing and we had to get in the lane for automated paying. This meant that I had to reverse the Bongo and trailer and being a women couldn’t really manage this very well so much shouting of ‘hard right’ and ‘straighten up’ was uttered by Dandy. In the end we gave up trying for fuel as I had by then pulled into a bay that only dispensed diesel to trucks when the station was manned so we drove off to look for another one. Monsieur Leclerc, along our route, provided us with another opportunity of an unmanned filling station (lazy b****rds according to Dandy). This time none of our debit or credit cards would work, more ranting, we were seriously low in diesel now so Dandy approached a French chap who was having no problem with his card and he kindly offered the use of his card and we paid him cash, I was really bothered in case he thought it was a scam we were operating but no he was happy to help two Scottish numpties. This was the start of a series of people who showed kindness and compassion to us over the next two weeks when things started to go wrong.

When we finally arrived at our Etap on an industrial estate we were quite glad we hadn’t arrived sooner – think Prisoner Cell Block H, the smell of stale smoke in the bedroom was quite vile. So as darkness fell there we were holed up in our room drinking warm G + T’s and having Doritos and slices of Camembert for dinner as that was all we could find in the Bongo (the crackers didn’t turn up ‘til the next day).

Settled down for the night but couldn’t seem to get the AC to work properly and it was very hot, and as with the filling station the hotel was unmanned until the morning so no help could be sought. Dandy slept not badly but I was awake a lot (trying to digest my large meal probably!). Apparently they guarantee a 'good night's sleep' but I don't know how you prove you didn't have one!

Sunday 26th July

Woke quite sharply to the sound of bedroom doors being slammed, Dandy had something to say about that……. Showered and had breakfast, great people watching in the breakfast room, Dandy reckoned most were on route to Lourdes to get their various issues and isms miraculously cured. Lidl shopping bags also seemed to be the de rigeur luggage of the clientele in our Etap. Dandy, in his best French, spoke to the receptionist/cleaner/breakfast supervisor woman to let her know about the dodgy AC in our room and she told him that he’d been turning the dial the wrong way, it should have been up and not down, (calls himself an engineer too).

Off we set for Spain over the Pyrenees, nice route but not as spectacular as we’d hoped, much of what could have been amazing was a very long tunnel, we regretted not taking an alternative route further East which would have taken us up over the mountains rather than through them.

We were both totally shocked by what met us on the other side, after two weeks of lushness, sunflower fields, orchards groaning with peaches, apples and apricots and vineyards as far as the eye could see to be suddenly met with an arid, barren, not very pretty landscape. Our first thoughts were to turn around and head straight back to France.

The weather had become fiercely hot (high 30’s) as we headed for Jaca, the town had been highly recommended by several people, we don’t really know why, nothing about it tempted us to stop but we really didn’t give it a chance. It was a busy, bustling touristy town and we were looking for peace and tranquillity so we kept going. We had noticed a large blue area on the map which we took to be a lake so we decided to head for that on the basis there would probably be campsites along it's side.

It turned out to be a rather amazing reservoir (embalse) with the most beautiful colour of water due to the calcium running into it from the surrounding limestone, lunar landscape. We pulled into a rather run down, dilapidated campsite about 3pm and decided we’d at least have a cold drink. The British Moto GP was on the TV in the bar so that did it for Dandy, we were staying for the night and the cold beers were poured into frozen beer glasses - wonderful! Meanwhile the temperature inside the Bongo had reached 51.5 degrees!


The Yesa embalse

First impressions were very wrong and it turned out to be a lovely quiet and friendly site with great food. Just as well…………………..
Our pitch at Camping Villa de Tiernas



Monday 27th July



The following day we were up and about, had breakfast, pottered about, looked at maps etc. Boiled the kettle for a cup of tea and sat down outside the Bongo.

The wind had got up a bit, for which we were very grateful as it was still extremely hot. Suddenly, a freak gust of wind caught the awning side and knocked our portable kitchen over on top of where I was sitting. I put my left hand out to protect myself and remember a searing pain on my wrist. I scrambled out of the way to find a large area of my skin; around 2.5 inches wide all the way around sloughing off like a snake shedding its skin and the pain, wow! I’d caught the remnants of the newly boiled kettle water. I was screaming with pain by this time so Dandy marched me over to the cold tap and made me hold it under the water, which was absolute agony. I knew just by looking at it that I would have to get immediate medical attention but we didn’t know where to get help. The Bongo would take around 30 minutes to be made drivable and there was no way I could go on the motorbike. Two Spanish girls walked past at this point and Dandy shouted to them to help us, they ran to the bar and the cook came out with a burn spray took one look at the wound and thought twice about administering it. The quick thinking girls, who had just arrived on the site and were deciding whether they would stay the night, said they would drive us to the nearest medical centre in their car.

With some hasty instructions from the site staff we headed off in their car to Sanguesa, about 15 miles away along a very winding road. The pain and the heat of the sun on my wrist had become unbearable. We got to the town, they asked for directions to the Centro de Salud and I was treated straight away in the medical centre and the girls were really helpful and translated for us.



What less than half a cup of off boil water can do.................

They took us back and I was treated like some local celebrity by all and sundry, we thanked the girls profusely for their help and I popped some more pain killers.

I was to receive medical attention every second day initially (this was upped to every day very soon) and have the wound dressed with antibiotic cream and bandages, unfortunately the centre I attended first was not in the region for where we were staying and I would have to go to a different town further away in the opposite direction. The campsite manager, Bernardo, offered to take us in his car the next time as it would have cost us 30 euros by taxi.

I slept on the floor of the Bongo that night as there was no way I could climb up into the roof, I did manage to sleep a bit, strangely enough, but I think I was still in shock.

Tuesday 28th July

Headed for the medical centre at lunchtime at Berdun in Bernardo’s old Nissan. The town turned out to be one we had passed on Sunday, perched high up on an imposing hill overlooking a huge alluvial plain and in the distance you could see the reservoir, what a vista. It was a very old town with narrow little streets, we found the Centro de Salud and we were taken straight away. My wound was cleaned and dressed by a really nice nurse and appointments made for further attention. The good news was that it was very clean but I had damaged a large area of skin. Dandy looked quite ill when it was being tended too! Poor soul.

Back at the campsite, once I’d done the minor celebrity bit with all the locals and visitors, who were all very concerned about me, we decided to take a late afternoon stroll down to the water. We were watching all the comings and goings in boats and spoke to a guy who we’d met in the bar previously who was messing about with his boat engine which wasn’t working too well. He got it going and asked if Dandy and I would like to go out in it for a spin. Of course we said yes and off we went, it was great fun and really cooling but I had to try and keep my arm out of the sun. The heat had melted the cream on my arm and this yellow ooze was dripping off my hand onto Captain Birdseye’s boat. I surreptitiously mopped the floor of his boat up with an oily rag. The fault in the engine kept reoccurring at full throttle so Dandy was in his element trying to diagnose the problem in his best Spanish.
At one point his dog, who was leashed to the back of the boat, decided to launch itself into the water while still tied up. We both shouted out to Miguel to stop the boat and he did this quickly. We were sure the dog’s neck would be broken or it would have got itself entangled in the engine, but no, the daft mutt was fine! Back to the shore and we met his wife and kids bobbing about in the water having fun, they were a really lovely family.

We had dinner at the restaurant and an English couple, Mr & Mrs T. Watt, who had pitched up near to us were having an ‘I’m better and more travelled than you ' conversation with a Dutch couple who had had the misfortune to sit near them (mind you they weren't much better). It was hysterical, it started with travels in Europe, then Africa, then strangely the conversation turned to all things Scottish and Mr T. Watt decided to share with them the recipe for haggis which apparently contains, wait for it – minced beef and rice, although Mrs T. Watt thought it might be wheat. Dandy was shouting ’oatmeal’ at them but they either didn’t hear or chose to ignore this helpful piece of advice. I knew things had got out of hand when Dandy started breaking up words to insert profanities – for example fascifu**ingnating and the like. It was time to go to bed. I spent a second night on the Bongo floor but didn’t sleep well despite the alcohol consumed at dinner.

Dandy and Dynamo’s East European Road Trip 2008

Day One 15/07/08
Loaded up the Bongo and left Edinburgh bound for Rosyth and our Blue Star Superfast ferry. Joined the queue and officials had a good look at the Scooter in the back of the van, had to show the papers, dude must have thought we were in the business of exporting stolen Scoots.

Irritation and lack of tolerance to mankind started in the queue when a particularly annoying, attention seeking family parked up next to us. Dandy allowed me to drive the Bongo onto the ferry even though he likes to do that bit. Once on board we were further irritated by the close proximity of badly behaved brats and useless parents until we relocated to the quiet lounge at the front of the ship. Had dinner in the a la carte restaurant which was very good and away from the hoi polloi and general plebs. Man at the next table asked the waitress for tap water with his meal unaware that Blue Star do not have an on board desalination plant.

Once the masses headed for bed we made a cosy little nest in the 1st class lounge and settled down for the night while a member of staff hoovered peanuts up all around us.

Day Two 16/07/08
Had buffet breakfast which lasted us for lunch and the following days breakfast too, we believe in value for money. Sat next to Persian family from hell whom we had been ranting about the previous day.

Off the ferry and went to fuel up, Dandy’s card had been stopped by his bank due to him using it to pay for an Indian meal on Monday night. He had to call MBNA and fannied about for ages sorting it out with the useless f**kers. He then decided to put the bike ramp onto the roof in case we had an RTA and it impaled us to the dashboard. He then decided to drive the Bongo into a massive concrete wall despite being warned about it twice. One hour later and we’re on our way.

Horsed along the motorways, thousands of trucks on the move. Covered around 280 miles to get to Bogel,germany and arrived at 7.30pm, met the campsite owner who Dandy knew from staying there last year. He charged us 5 Euros for pitch and electric hook up. What a funny wee place, the land that time forgot – strange little chalets with fairy lights and plastic animals everywhere, especially weird was a full sized plastic crocodile eating an unfortunate mole.

Great shower, smashing G & T and we’re off for our steak dinner in the village. Made Dandy walk the uphill mile, sweating like a paedo in a sweetie shop. Had great pepper steaks and salad washed down with the local brew. Dandy reintroduced himself to the owner as the clown who had fallen off their pavement the previous year and knackered his ankle, always good to reinforce old friendships.

Headed back to the campsite, downhill all the way so Dandy didn’t moan too much. Off to bed for our first night in the Bongo.

Day Three 17/07/08
Not a bad nights sleep despite the Bongo roof not being fully erect, ooh er missus! Another shower, and breakfast - courtesy of Blue Star ferries. Said our goodbyes to the mountain troll who let Dandy use her caravan last year when he was invalided. Left with promises to return for longer next time and eat, drink and make fun together – can’t wait.

Mountain troll outside her chalet

Another hard days driving, boring autobahns, best in Europe? Pah, I think not. Hunners of thousands of trucks, pishing rain and spray, road works everywhere, felt quite at home. Horsed on and covered 365 miles. Crossed the Czech border and I was fascinated by the wee tarty prossies in the lay-bys freezing their butts off in their micro mini-skirts and white stilettos.

Ended up in a town called Vimperk, called in at the local Lidl, Dandy’s pulse rate took off. Tried to find accommodation as it was pishing down and cold. Stopped and asked at a restaurant, well Dandy did as he speaks fluent Czech, apparently the chef had a room but wasn’t pitching up until 9pm, we both wondered why the chef wasn’t hard at work in the kitchen. Meanwhile two helpful citizens that had been eating in the restaurant and having overheard Dandy’s pitiful attempts to locate a bed for the night, came up to me in the Bongo and gave me phone numbers and directions for other accommodation around 10km away. Dandy was very wary about chef’s accommodation so we decided to investigate this as a possibility as it was only 8pm. So off we horsed back up the road we had come down. We enquired at a few places but they were either in darkness, too dodgy or too expensive. Back down the road to Strangeville, horsing around the wet bends again (a few “oh f**k” moments from me). Got to restaurant and man in chef’s whites was sitting there but did not communicate with us so we decided to eat dinner. Ordered a steak and a stroganoff from the German menu (Dandy fluent in German also). Food was good, washed down with a large beer. The chef then turned out to be a woman (as I had predicted) and not a chef at all but the 'chief', they really need to brush up on their English. She showed us to our salubrious lodgings, on the way up the stairs there was a terrible smell, Dandy thought she had dropped her guts but I think it was just very bad drains. She showed us into our cell – very communist block, 70’s furniture and the odour of a thousand stale fags, and then she fleeced us for £17. The showers were communal with no curtains and loos with no locks. Decided the best thing to do was get pissed and went to a strange little bar that was open 24/7; Dandy thought that this was for the purpose of drug dealing. Had several glasses of reasonable wine and observed the locals at play. Very tired by 11pm and headed off for a night in Cell Block H. See video clip for Dandy’s guided tour of our cell (in German even though we were now in the Czech Republic!).


Day Four 18/07/08
Surprisingly good nights sleep in our cell. Decided against a shower, don’t do standing up nakedness and didn’t think it would be too easy to shower lying down. Had a smoky coffee in previous nights bar, drug dealing still taking place. Left daftie town and did 160 miles on back roads so pace was easier.

Stopped off for breakfast at 10.30am, went into café which was full of flies, dafties and workies all consuming beer and eating strange fayre, even the flies! Dandy had a notion that he would like bacon and eggs but we couldn’t make head nor tail of the menu. The waitress came over and Dandy decided we could try to order eggs using sign language so he did an impression of a chicken, squawking and flapping his elbows, meanwhile I decided to assist by pretending to crack an egg into the ashtray. This seemed to do the trick and our order was taken and off she went. It was time for me to pay a visit to the Ladies so off I went. While I was away two local chaps had decided to join us at our table and both promptly lit up a fag. Dandy’s thoughts at this point were “oh no her face will be f**kin’ trippin’ her when she gets back”. Not surprisingly he was correct and my expressive face must have said it all as when I sat down our helpful dining companions pointed out the No Smoking room next door which we gratefully retired to. Our breakfast had arrived and our eggs turned out to be, wait for it – chicken nuggets, potatoes and gherkins – yum, I couldn’t wait to get stuck in. Much hysteria followed the delivery of this delightful repast and Dandy got to work and finished his plate of fine food and most of mine too.

Pressed on after our nourishing breakfast, next stop was a massive Interspar to stock up on groceries and essentials and cake. Stopped for lunch beside a small lake and had a picnic and watched some locals fishing and a pelican/stork/heron? It was nesting on top of a large wooden and metal pole. Dandy questioned whether the nest area had been built specifically for the bird and I replied that it had probably built it itself to which he retorted “yes of course it did, out of f**king wood and metal”. Dandy ate his cakes, which I had deemed as pointless, and kept complaining that he felt sick for ages afterwards.

Picnic at a Czech lake

We arrived at our apartment near Brno at 5.30pm to be met by our hostess – Helena, who stayed in the apartment below. Great accommodation, spacious and light, balcony overlooking large garden and very Eastern European décor.
Soon managed to make the place look like Dandy’s flat by the time we had emptied the Bongo. Frantisek and Helena came to see us when he came back from work and we had a drink together and exchanged niceties. Had salad for dinner washed down with wine and headed for bed, very tired. Bongo and Dynamo outside apartment

Day Five 19/07/08
Neither of us slept well, strange dreams etc. Had a very quiet morning then headed for the race circuit at Brno some 40 miles away on Dylan. We went via Brno which, on reflection, probably wasn’t a good idea and I had to get Thomas the sat nav out and shout directions to Dandy whilst hanging onto him for grim death (Thomas that is). Got there eventually and watched the qualifying and one race from the stand. Highly entertained by Czech chap who had an apoplexy every time anyone dared to walk past him or linger for more than 2 seconds, thereby momentarily obscuring his view.

Went home a different route still hanging onto Thomas and shouting directions. Dylan did well especially when Dandy decided he could hold off a pack of sports bike going down a twisty hill. Tired again, cooked pasta for dinner and had another early night.


Day Six 20/07/08
Off to the circuit again in the morning, made good time as we knew where we were going this time. Fascist security man wouldn’t let us park up where we wanted to so parked up on the road and walked round the outside of the circuit, Dandy muttering about nature rambles. Found a great spot to watch the racing just in time for the first big race.

World Superbikes Brno

Load mouthed American twat behind us who clearly knew f**k all about f**k all irritated me intensely but luckily he moved after the first race. Great afternoon was had and we headed off after the last race via the start/finish area. Turns out it was the right place at the right time as we arrived to see Bayliss Fabrizzio and Biaggi climb into the back of an open top sports car to do their lap of honour. Dandy got some great pics on his phone. See video clip of race.

Bayliss, Fabrizzio and Biaggi

Paddock area

Headed home on the Scoot managing to avoid being obliterated by a careless Czech driver for the second time. We had been asked down to Frantisek and Helena’s apartment for drinks that evening so we showered and got ready. Obviously we weren’t quick enough for Frantiseks liking as he came chapping on our door when we were both in a state of undress. Dandy threw on a pair of breeks and went to the door, it was only when he came back into the room that I noticed that his 'percy' was hanging out of his trousers, he did say that he had a sensation of exposure during his conversation with Fran.

Neither of us were particularly looking forward to the evening but off we headed with our bottle of Rose wine and a box of Pringles. It turned out to be fine, their son-in-law, Kamil, was there and spoke very good English.He translated for his in laws and the subjects ranged from what we eat, the time we went to bed, what we do at Christmas and what the average earnings are in the UK. Dandy cynically took this to be a research exercise in order to put his prices up next year. Helena had cooked a meat loaf, quiche and cake and ran about filling up Frantisek’s beer at the slightest nudge from him. This behaviour highly amused Dandy and he was keen that I should learn from this. We probably outstayed our welcome, Dandy pouring all sorts of concoctions down his neck and blabbering a load of shite.

Day Seven 21/07/08
Lazy day, toyed with the idea of going to the local caves then quickly dismissed it again. Caught up with household stuff, washing and ironing etc. Took a trip in the Bongo to get cash and groceries. Went into Jednovice, the local Coop appeared to have the monopoly on shopping in town. Very depressing and smelled of poverty, nothing worth buying, came out with water, breadsticks and milk, everything else pretty dire.

Did a tour of the local campsite, again pretty dire, wondered if this was the standard to expect elsewhere. Headed back to apartment for afternoon snooze – busy day. Ventured out to local hotel for a meal in the evening but, alas, as it was a Monday night they weren’t doing food! Nothing else for it but to drink beer and watch badly dubbed episode of Desperate Housewives on TV.

Dandy decided to make toast directly on the electric hob when we came home. After filling the apartment with acrid smoke I discovered a toaster hiding behind a tablecloth which happened to be nailed to the kitchen wall, where else?

22/07/08 Day Eight
Up and away sharp, heading for Poland. Intention was to base ourselves near Krakow and spend a few days there doing all the touristy things. Crossed the border into Poland early afternoon and decided to stop in small town for some lunch. What a hole, smelly, dirty place full of ugly Poles. Availed ourselves of the nice toilets in the local supermarket then went in search of lunch. Eventually found a café where we enjoyed a light lunch whilst observing all the poor, ugly people. My turn to drive and Dandy being Dandy can’t sit still for two minutes, decided he would interfere with Thomas (sat nav) and put in the coordinates of the campsite we were heading for although the information already in there was good enough. As a result of this I ended up on a single track road having to negotiate my way around a fire tender that had been trying to help some poor unfortunate person out of a field. Then we ended up on a dirt track for over a mile and drew to a halt when we reached a wide river in full spate that was supposed to be a small ford. Dandy tested the depth by flinging a few stones in which sank with an ominous plop to its silty depths. It looked for a while that he was seriously contemplating attempting to cross the river and twice said “it’s a diesel engine, it could do it”. See video clip for decision making process and second one for driving along the narrow roads. Common sense prevailed and we turned around, Dandy doesn’t like to admit defeat.


We arrived at the campsite some time later and got a good pitch away from the masses of Dutch caravanners who were out in force as usual. We ended up next to a UK registered massive campervan and another UK caravan whose occupants were travelling together. It turned out they were from Yorkshire, a bit worrying as Dandy doesn’t have a lot of time for citizens from that area of the UK. Within a very short time of making his acquaintance we knew virtually everything about him- his profession (lorry Driver); his sex life (non existent); where he lived (Scunthorpe); his family (83 grandchildren) and his views on women drivers.
“Do you let ‘er drive do you?” he enquired of Dandy. “I only let mine drive on t’motorways ah do”. He was also very keen to crow to us about his permanent end bedroom which he was not allowed to share with his beloved other half for snoring reasons. For the rest of the trip every time we made up our rooftop bed in the Bongo, which requires a great deal of patience, precision and teamwork Dandy would utter the immortal words “who the f**k needs an end bedroom?”.


Our neighbours on the other side were a Belgian single parent family/paedo with two kids in a caravan who, according to Dandy, were parked ‘just a bit too f**kin’ close’. Rain started just as we finished eating that evening.

Polish campsite near Krakow



Day Nine 23/07/08
The rain that had started the previous evening continued relentlessly all night and all that day. We decided to venture out to the campsite restaurant where we enjoyed two expensive cappuccinos which had been lovingly prepared from a sachet. We wanted to use the Internet but a dreadlocked f**kwit, who I took an instant dislike to, was hogging it. Turns out he was English and had probably heard all my rantings. We went back to the Bongo and the aforementioned dreadlocked f**kwit was kind enough to come and tell us he had finished with the PC. Had a slight feeling of guilt which I soon got over.

Checked out the weather in Eastern Europe – rain followed by more rain, Dandy was in a state about a German ‘c**t’ who was messing him about with a refund for a missing cruise control. After all that excitement it was time for an afternoon snooze, another busy day. See video clip for Dandy’s take on Poland and its weather.

When we awoke from our forty winks Dandy commented upon the fact that the Belgian paedo’s kids were still alive. Risotto for dinner which turned out very well then we watched ‘Walk the Line’ on the DVD player. Spent around an hour trying to get the surround sound to work and get rid of the sub-titles and voice over. Eventually succeeded with the voice over and lived with the sub-titles and lack of surround sound. Much ranting from Dandy.

Bed with the familiar sound of rain on the Bongo roof.

Day Ten 24/07/08
Woke again to rain and it continued throughout the morning. Dandy had an uncontrollable urge to relieve his bladder and as his night time flask was already full he decided to use the nearest alternative receptacle which happened to be our wash hand basin. He also motivated himself to finally have a shower that morning.

Rain cleared mid afternoon so we decided to catch the bus to Krakow. Rain started again as we left the Bongo. Stood at the side of lethal dual carriageway trying to get a bus to stop at our bus stop. Eventually a minibus did stop and we clambered in, soaking wet. The driver was clearly a maniac with huge anger management problems. We survived the 10km trip by some miracle and were given some great advice about where to go in Krakow by a very friendly and helpful young Polish girl who had also been on our bus. Hoping she hadn’t overheard much of my opinion of Poland and its less than attractive inhabitants. Wandered round the old town, the rain had stopped and the sun was out. Stopped for a decent coffee at a café in the main square and watched the world go by.

Krakow’s old town square

Wandered some more, ventured down some back streets. Fancied a beer so we stopped off at a bar where an Alan Cumming lookalike (and equally as gay and camp), in organ restricting tight trousers served us. We fancied sitting outside and enquired if this was possible while pointing to a pile of outdoor furniture stacked in the corner of the bar, but no, outside was closed apparently. A short time later two female apparitions in some sort of historic national costume appeared and started putting the chairs and tables outside. We helped them and relocated outdoors for more people watching. The barman’s gay friends arrived for a visit and there was a lot of surreptitious comings and goings from the ‘Alcohole’ shop next door. We ate in an authentic Polish restaurant – garlic soup with a whole hard boiled egg in it followed by stuffed cabbage leaves and potato and cheese filled ravioli with loads of potatoes and spinach. Pure stodge but quite tasty.

Time to head home and we went to the street corner where we were told we could catch a bus back. It seemed that every bus in Krakow that night was heading for the Salt Mines – obviously transporting the night shift workers. The area was particularly dodgy, full of winos and dossers, felt a bit vulnerable but it was all ok. Eventually our bus turned up but about 20 rude froggies piled on before us (it was a minicoach) and we had to stand swaying precariously with legs and various other body parts poking into us, no sense of comfort zones. The driver crunched his way through the gears all the way back to the campsite, a most unpleasant journey. Rain started again just as we got back.


Day Eleven 25/07/08
More rain, ground stopped coping with it all and campsite resembled a bog. Had another visit to the internet and a rip off coffee. Exchanged a few words with Mr Tirimisu, the owner, a lot of shrugging and hands flailing didn’t quite give us the answers we needed. Made a management decision to get the hell out of Poland and head for the Tartra mountains the next day. Went out on Dylan to get groceries from local Carrefour supermarket. Had to drive up hellish dual carriageway towards Krakow. Tailback of traffic so we used the bike lane (hard shoulder). It was an accident – a cement lorry and a dead person lying on the road covered with a black sheet, his hand was sticking out. We were both quite shocked by this sight and the image stayed with us for a while.

Arrived a huge shopping centre, it was nice and clean and affluent, no smell of poverty here. Did our shopping, had coffee and cake and headed back . There had been a massive thunder storm while we were in the centre and everything was sodden when we got back and a river was running through the awning. This was the final straw for Dandy! Barbequed delicious salmon and vegetable kebabs for dinner washed down with a nicely chilled rose wine. Rain had stopped but it started again as we were heading for bed. Well pissed off.

Day Twelve 26/07/08
Woke at 7.45am, no rain, got up and packed away – on the road for 10.30. Had to get the f**k out of Poland, but before that we decided to cheer ourselves up with a visit to Auschwitz and Birkenau. On route we stopped off for a late breakfast. Dandy ordered a goulashy thing and I ordered ‘roast pork in a roll’ which I thought might vaguely resemble a bacon roll. How wrong I was. It turned out to be a great hunk of fatty pork in a 10 day old roll which was all shrivelled up and looked like brains, this delightful treat had then been covered in a glutinous white onion gravy and was totally inedible, even Dandy couldn’t cope with it. I helped Dandy out with his and when the waitress came to collect the plates Dandy informed her that I wasn’t too keen on the brains. She either didn’t understand or chose not to. Both ranted about noisy Polish fucks in the restaurant who were laughing, unnecessarily, we thought.

We had planned to visit Aushwitz before we left home and didn’t really know what to expect. We looked around the museum, both of us surprised by the location and the trees and buildings which made it look quite normal. We observed the atrocities in silence and were both particularly moved by the sight of the massive piles of shoes on display behind plate glass. Shoes of all sorts and sizes – children’s, sandals, expensive shoes, working shoes. The sight of tons of hair shorn from the murdered victims to be turned into fabric was appalling. The plethora of battered suitcases piled high, each with a name on it, was particularly poignant and the photos were hard to bear. Left there and drove the 3km to Birkenau where the railway line ended after running through the garrisoned gatehouse and where millions of Poles and Jews would have been lined up at the side of each train and grouped into two lines- one of healthy men and boys to go and work in the concentration camp and the other one- women and children and the unfit or elderly to go straight to the gas chamber on the premise of being showered only to be gassed and cremated straight away. Birkenau was more shocking than Aushwitz, hectare upon hectare of wooden huts built by the prisoners. The skeleton remains of the underground gas chambers and crematoria were the most disturbing sight. We listened in to a tour guide who pointed out that mankind had not yet learned a lesson as this type of thing was still happening – Rwanda, Kosovo, so true. No birdsong could be heard even though there were many trees and apparently no butterflies are ever seen in this area. This was a day of bright sunshine and beautiful blue skies, the first in four days, and it seemed almost inappropriate, it should have been rain and grey skies.
Birkenau Prison Camp

We were struck by the fact that both camps were close to villages where life continued normally even though these dreadful sites were on their doorstep. We had somehow imagined them to be located in the middle of nowhere. We were both very quiet and reflective when we drove away from Birkenau, no more bad taste jokes.

We programmed Thomas for the Tartra mountains in Slovakia and headed off leaving Poland behind us. Around late afternoon we started looking for a room, Dandy couldn’t remember the Slovakian word for ‘rooms’ which pissed him off a bit. Stopped in a daftie village to enquire and spotted a ‘noclegi’ sign, Dandy happy again. First place we stopped had no rooms and a loopy woman with dyed black hair gesticulated a lot in a negative manner, Dandy wished her well with a gaelic ‘Oichabha’. Roamed around the countryside looking for more ‘noclegis’ – severe lack of them. Dandy ranted about their houses being ‘f**king big enough’ to accommodate us – no entrepreneurial skills these eastern Europeans! Stopped to ask a couple of village idiots, a lot of humming and scratching of chins but no relevant or helpful information was forthcoming. Dandy commented that they were checking out my cans, they didn’t understand a word. Next we stopped at a petrol station come motel where a soor faced girl had a very expensive room. Stopped when we saw an Agroturistyk sign and we went to investigate this. It was a working farm and we were met by a large, hairy, shirtless Desperate Danesque farmer. Dandy asked to see the room which was basic but fine and cheap and said we’d take it for the night. Apparently my face said otherwise, it was ‘f**kin’ trippin’ me’ according to Dandy. I had taken a complete and irrational dislike to Dan the farmer, he gave me the creeps. I had to get to grips with this and shortly afterwards Dan went and put a shirt on which helped. As we were unloading the Bongo a loud moo emanated from the nearby house and I nearly shat myself much to Dandy’s amusement. The farm animals were all housed in a byre which looked like part of the house. We went and had a look at the beasts, Dan probably thought we were a pair of halfwits going to look at his cows, sheep and chickens.

Good hot shower, much needed, then Dandy came into the bedroom and mooed like a cow and I nearly shat myself again. Had a look around for somewhere to eat and found the local brothel. Decided to give that a miss and went back to soor faces motel where Dandy ordered trout that tasted of silt and was probably a bottom feeder he thought, my chicken tasted of silty trout. Finished with ice cream and headed back to farm, didn’t see Dan again.


Day Thirteen 27/07/08
Had a pretty good nights sleep, awoke quite refreshed. Showered and availed ourselves of the kitchen next to the byre to concoct our healthy fruit and yoghurt breakfast. No sign of Dan but there were lots of Fireman’s clothes lying about which was quite a mystery as I couldn’t locate their owners and I was keen to do so.Dandy pointed out that they probably weren’t Fireman’s clothes and probably belonged to the farm workers, I was deeply disappointed.

We set off again on our way to Slovakia which we reached in no time at all. Lovely, warm, sunny day. We stopped in a small town, Tresta, to get cash out and ordered coffee and cake in a small café. The silly bint of a waitress forgot about our cake until we had asked or the bill which had Dandy ranting ever so slightly. At the next town we stopped off at Lidl, Dandy salivating with excitement.

We found a campsite a few miles up the road next to a large lake, eventually picked a pitch then spent the following hour trying to line up the Bongo and make sure it was level with the use of the wedgies. After all that Dandy decided to go through the whole charade again by moving pitch, much to the amusement of our fellow campers who Dandy tried to explain our idiosyncrasies to. The next problem was that we couldn’t get Dylan out of the Bongo, he kept getting stuck on the ramp and there were no willing volunteers to help as they were all helpless with mirth at our activities. Queue a major rant/tantrum from Dandy. The problem was solved quite easily by turning the ramp around, Dandy stopped ranting.

Putting up the cathedral, however, caused him to go off on one again but with a little perseverance and good humour it was eventually erected and we got out all our gadgets and bits and bobs to show off to the poor folk around us. A little later the schemey family from hell (or Poland) turned up with their three brats and pitched up close to us. Dandy could smell trouble and he was right.

There were quite a lot of insects here and Dandy spent quite a lot of time challenging each flying anthropod that came within a foot of him with a threatening ‘what the fuck are you then?’. This included a nylon pull cord for our solar light being challenged several times, big poof!

Our first pitch at the Slovakian campsite


There were lots of interesting neighbours – Mr & Mrs Mushroom across the way who were very keen on collecting very large, interesting looking mushrooms from the woods then chopping them up and threading them like a necklace and drying them out. Mrs Mushroom (a bloater) was very keen on filling her face and smoking countless fags. On the other side there were some very poor folks –Mrs Queen Bee – she was rather large and did f**k all to help. She was married to Mr Worker Bee – he was weedy and did all the work. They were so poor they couldn’t even afford camping chairs! Dandy turned into a dreadful snob during the four days we spent there.

Back to the schemey family, we had named the mother Mrs Blurt and they were a really tinky lot. On the first night Mrs Blurt and her chavvy tattoed husband f**ked off to get pissed with some neighbours further down the site. This left the three brats home alone to create utter mayhem and wind Dandy and I up. I had a few rants at them in my best school ma’am voice but the effect of this only lasted a short while each time. Dandy reckoned they would probably firebomb our awning as a payback. There were also a bunch of well pissed Polish ‘yoof’ on the other side which didn’t help the situation. Earplugs in and off to bed.

Day Fourteen 28/07/2008
Had a very quiet day, just chilled, I washed some clothes while Dandy fixed things in the Bongo. Dandy thought that this was just as it should be, he was now showing misogynist leanings. Lovely weather continued and we spent most of the day observing and criticizing the activities of our delightful neighbours. I had taken a complete and utter dislike to Mrs Blurt and this manifested itself in a Tourettes way which Dandy found most amusing.

Went out for a meal that night on Dylan, found a nice restaurant overlooking the lake, very up market. Dandy had a dish named ‘Wasp’s Nest’ and I had chilli. Good food and beer but the bill was £20 which strangely enough, we found quite expensive!

Settled down for another night of abandoned brat mayhem. Finally after several hours of this Dandy called in the troops in the form of the night watchmen who had words with them, again to little long term effect. Dandy was seething. Thankfully the Polish ‘yoof’ had gone. We both decided that we weren’t really campsite types and pretty much hated most other people.
Another night for the earplugs.

Day Fifteen 29/07/2008
We went and complained to the reception about Mrs Blurt and her brood, this was taken very seriously by the receptionist who mentioned the fact that their number plate was a Polish one; this seemed to explain a lot about their behaviour apparently. Next thing we knew they were poacking up to leave although it did take them until 6pm to do so with lots of filthy looks in our direction thrown in.

We had new neighbours on each side – Herr and Frau Clagfurt seemed nice German folk and Dandy took to them although they couldn’t speak English. Next the Van der Valks turned up from Holland in their ageing camper van. Teachers, as it turned out, this was right up Dandy’s street and he spent quite a bit of time conversing with them, more his social equals, he thought.

We decided to go mushroom hunting that afternoon in the nearby woods, so armed with my best knife and a Lidl bag we headed off to the forest. On the way we mentioned to the friendly receptionist what we were up to. She warned us to be careful, ‘mm careful of what?’ Dandy enquired, ‘the snakes’ she replied. Well that had Dandy well and truly spooked. She also happened to mention that ‘Polish people’ often gathered mushrooms with the implication that they couldn’t afford to buy food. Unperturbed I strode off with Dandy trailing. I was wearing my layby ‘Lil outfit – micro shorts and hiking boots which Dandy found strangely alluring, (wondered why he was always walking behind me up the slopes offering me cash), but the afforementioned outfit not offering much in the way of protection from the undergrowth and the dreaded snakes. We sought out the darkest, dankest areas in amongst the hobo fires, sewer discharges and empty beer bottles in our quest for giant mushrooms. We found a few worm eaten specimens and these were consigned to the Lidl bag. Talk of snakes had freaked Dandy and he sought refuge in the higher ground. Meanwhile layby ‘Lil continued to attract the eyes of hidden hobos and wasps, and I managed to scamble my way onto a large tree trunk, dishevelled and leg bleeding with scratch marks where I was relentlessly attacked by a wasp, much to the amusement of a couple of berry pickers (probably Polish) who learned some English vocabulary – 'off, f**k and bastard'. Dandy offered helpful words of encouragement from a safe distance.

Traipsed back with our pitiful collection of funghi which we kept hidden from the eyes of Mr Mushroom as we were a tad embarrassed. He had managed to gather a large basket of funghi the size of dinner plates. To save further embarrassment we relegated our mushrooms to the dying flames of our barbeque as we could not bring ourselves to ask him if they were safe to eat. Our tasty chicken kebabs more than made up for the mushroom debacle and the fact that the Blurt family were gone added to our happiness


Day Sixteen 30/07/2008
Went on Dylan to Zakopane, (back to Poland again!). Another lovely day and Poland had finally dried out. Fabulous scenery - lush meadows, gingerbread houses and stunning rugged mountains. We arrived in Zakopane and headed up to the cable car where we were met with a half mile long queue of tourists (we identify ourselves as travellers). We watched a numpty boy with a feather in his hat that Dandy had identified as a f**kin' daftie and therefore very easy to spot. We worked out from his slow progression, 20 feet in half an hour, that it would be a three hour wait. We went and ate a spicy 'dobber' and drank coffee and watched all the activity, Spotted a racy looking nun, hand on hip wearing hiking and on her mobile phone, so we had to take a photo of that. Went for a stroll up the mountain and happened upon a hermitage where Pope John Paul had beatified some old nun in the 90's. Dandy was dying for a wee but deferred on the opportunity to urinate on such sacred ground. A tourist photo on a notice board of a St Bernards dog sniffing a yodeler's crotch caused us much mirth. Headed back down the mountain, Dandy was well pleased with himself as he managed to overtake an elderly disabled woman with a walking stick, then he let her pass him as it was a Wednesday and therefore 'inclusion day'.

We wandered about the town, it was very busy and touristy with a beautiful backdrop of the Tartras. stopped off for an evening meal at a Gingerbread looking restaurant (think Hansel & Gretel), before the border. Ordered roast turkey and a goulash, Dandy enquired of the waitress when the turkey had last flown
TO BE CONTINUED...........................